I agree with Carl about having someone to talk to, and just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I started SI-ing (self injuring) when I was 10 years old, and I still do. Its not that I want to kill myself, because I never cut deep or want to die when I cut, but for me its an emotional release. I went through a very abusive marriage, and even though its over with now, and I have a daughter and wonderful boyfriend, the scars are still there. When my boyfriend and I get in an argument, its like my emotions and even physical sensations shut down; I disassociate. Its a defense I learned from being abused I guess, because when this happens, I really can't feel anything. I go numb. When Im like this and I SI, I don't feel the pain of the cuts, but it helps to bring back my senses. Its a way to ground myself again.
I have been through therapy and the medications but everyone has good times and bad ones. Really, in the end, it is up to you to control your life. I have a normal happy life now with a good job and family, my own place, and my daughter, even though I have depression and SI problems.
It doesn't mean you are crazy or that people will judge you. And my boyfriend knows I SI and has seen me do it, and although he hates to see me hurt myself, he still loves me for me.
I hope everything works out for you.
