Remembering I've come after the ex
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old FemaleI'm jealous of my boyfriends ex. I know I am being ridiculous when I get jealous - because I've met her and she is a total cow.
I know their relationship was terrible, I know she cheated on him twice (Of what he knows), I know all the vindictive things she did, and yet I still get worked up about it.
This girl is everything I hate in a person, and to be honest, I'd hate her even if she wasn't my boyfriends ex.
The thing is, I think my jealousy derives from the fact this is my first relationship that's even lasted longer than a month. This is the first time I've actually fallen in love with someone, and the first time everything just seems to feel so right. I'm so comfortable with him.
But everything I experience with him IS the first time for me - and I know it isn't for him.
For example, sex is a touchy issue for me. I lost my virginity to him, but he lost it to her. I realise the circumstances - He tells me all sorts. he regrets losing it to her because she'd just pressured him, he wished he hadn't been so stupid so he could have saved it for when it felt right, and she was rubbish in bed, and it's so much more special with me - and it still gets me jealous! It's just, I never forget the time he said "I can't see sex being anything but special" which to me implied, sex WAS special with her. And I hate that.
Even when he shows me videos of him doing some races (because he's a runner), I'm thinking "He was with her when he did that." And it makes me feel like crap. My mind will go crazy "Was he thinking about her when he was reaching the finish line? Was she in the audience cheering him on?" All sorts.
I have talked to him about it, I always do when it's on my mind because there's no other way to calm me down, but it's getting old and I want it all to stop, because I know it makes him feel bad everytime I bring it up and that's the last thing I want to do.
He says "I hate that she manages to ruin things for me even when she isn't in my life anymore" which just makes me feel so so bad for being this way and I hate myself for it, because I don't want to hurt him.
I just feel like a sequal. I'm 2nd. He's seen everything before. Even though he's continuously reassured me that everything is much more special with me and he loves me more than he ever loved her, it just won't stop.
It's been getting me really worried, and I just want to sort it out without having to go to therapy!
RomanceClass.com AdviceJealousy is one of the most painful of our emotions. There is no easy way to get over jealousy except to endure it until it goes away. You already know how baseless your jealousy is. His ex does not deserve the respect you give her by being jealous of her.
Imagine that you were the one with an ex.... what advice would you give your boyfriend about his jealousy? Think about that hard and give yourself the advice you would give him. You said his ex was a cow... how could he have loved her more than you?
Practice telling yourself that the jealousy is an enemy and that you must stamp it out. Whenever you get those feelings, tell them to go away and stop bothering you. None of this will be easy, but you must try.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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