I Broke Up with Her - She Slept with Another Guy
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now, and through that year it has been the best times of our lives. I gave her absolutely everything, she was even my first although I'm older I was saving it for someone special and she was the one.
I started a new job that makes me a lot of money, and I was doing it for her because I wanted so badly to be able to give her the life she deserves. I told her to do that we need to sacrifice some time together because my job was full time in the evenings.
When I started working she started hanging out with these few guys everyday and getting drunk with them. It continued for months and months and I let it go on and tried not to be too jealous although it was killing me. One night I finally gave in and broke up with her for doing it. The next day I call her in the morning and she didn't answer for hours and ignored my texts so I had a feeling she was with "them". When she answered I asked where she had been last night. At this one guys house she always went and drank with. She then said she realized what she had done wrong and was sorry for always drinking with these guys and she shouldn't be doing things like that and sleeping at his house. She even fessed up that they had kissed and I got over it.
Months later she broke down and told me the truth. This guy had told her he liked her and she even told him back at some points. Every time she was upset she would go there and hook-up with him. He was talking to her in the way that I talk to her and she enjoyed it although I found it disgusting to hear another man talking to her like that. I found out that night we technically broke up she went back to his house, let him take off a bracelet that signified our commitment to each other, and she TOLD him to have sex with her.
She tells me everyday that she regrets it and she loves me so much and she wishes she could take it back, but it built up for MONTHS and she led him on and she told him to do it and she hooked up with him multiple times and even said she liked him!
I love her so much and I honestly want to be with her so badly in the worst way. I would do anything for that girl. But at the same time I feel so betrayed, I can't get the images out of my head, my father is absolutely ashamed because everyone loved her in my family. I am so crushed by this especially since she was my first and only.
Do I take her back? Or do I let her go?
I think it's important to note here that she only had sex with him *after you were no longer a couple*. You broke up. You were no longer together. She then lashed out in a way which is fairly common. So you really can't fault her for doing anything at all when she is not your partner. It might hurt that she did it - but if you want someone to be true to you then that's the whole purpose of a relationship. You don't break up with someone you want to be true to you.
So, that being said, of course she shouldn't have been telling him she liked him WHEN she was with you. That is a completely separate issue. She was spending time with a guy, luring the guy on, teasing him, and keeping him from seeing other women in essence. So that is wrong on many counts. And absolutely you have to wonder, when you're back together, if she's going to do it again. She's already shown that her default action when she's feeling neglected is not to talk about it but rather to go find another man to take care of her. How can you know going forward that the same thing won't happen?
She does need to earn back your trust, and to prove that she is capable of being loyal to you. At the same time, you have to forgive her for actions she took when you broke up with her. Again, if you break up with her, you set her free. She is then free to do anything she wants.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com