I Threatened Her - She Left

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Male
We known each other for around 2 years and get together for half a year. Recently we quarreled and broke up. This happened because I threatened to break up because I just wanted her to text me.

I don't want to be alone. The day after she broke up with me, she said that she had no feelings for me and wanted to live her life on without me.

I tried lots of ways getting back like going the place we used to go and cried and begged to give me a chance to salvage our relationship but nothing works. She said she needed time to cool down and become friends. However, the message she replied with tells a different story. She asked me not to disturb her and asked me forget her and get on my life. She also told me she found the person she love but I don't know whether it's true or not.

I really love her a lot. Can you tell me how should I chase back her and get together with her?

RomanceClass.com Advice
I think this tale has many cautionary issues in it that others can learn from.

First, it's absolutely critical never to make threats in a relationship. People react poorly to threats. If there is an issue, like wanting more communication, then you need to address that issue. If you make wild threats everything is likely to break down. Threats pretty much never work. People don't stay in relationships because of threats. They stay because they feel loved.

People going through a breakup period are full of a mixture of relationships. So it's important not to make quick judgements based on what someone says during that. They are in a tangle of emotions. It's important to give her time to sort through those emotions. Yes, clearly she'll be upset with you if you were threatening her. She'll also be drawn to other people who she thinks might treat her better. So the most important thing you can do here is not make it worse. Avoid all signs of being a clingy, needy, negative-emotion causing person.

Your best bet is to prove to her that you can be a friend she wants to have in her life. So respect her wishes. You want your every interaction to be one she wants. Give her time to miss you. Focus on your own life and how to be happy in it. You absolutely need the ability to be happy without her. A person should always add joy to your life - not be the only reason you're not miserable. I.e. if she merely drags you up from misery, that is a burden she won't want to shoulder. You have to prove to her that you are a naturally happy person that she wants to *be with*. She isn't going to want to be with a miserable person.

So make that your focus. Find ways to be happy. Let her realize she misses you. Be friendly, but gentle. The more happy you are, and the more she sees that she misses that happiness that you have, the more she will be drawn to you. It is of course critical that you learn to express your thoughts in non-threat ways going forward though. If you win her back and just resort to threats again the next time an issue happens, it's unlikely she'll think about trying again.

Good luck!

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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