stuck in the love with the FUTURE...

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Towards the end of my junior in high school, I started hanging out with a close guy friend and eventually dated for a little over 1.5 years. I decided he would be my first the summer before i went to college (he was already experienced) but our attempts were not successful because of pain on my end. We had our up and downs so I had planned on breaking it off before I left for college. When I started college I met this amazing guy (my current boyfriend) and broke it off with my boyfriend since it was still not working out. Since we started off as best friends, we agreed that if we ever did break up that we would try to keep in touch and we have kept that promise.

I have now been with my current bf for almost 3 years (he was my first) and I am very happy with him.

I went home for a holiday break and ran into my ex at a party. It was normal and nice to see him. Unfortunately, gunshots were fired at the party and when my ex saw that I was ok his first reaction was to grab me and kiss me. It happened so fast that I was in shock, but kissed him back. Chills literally went thru my body from that one little kiss and not in a bad way. I addressed it after and he apologize and said that it was just in the moment as a sign of relief when he saw me. So I let it go.

Some time after that I stopped by his house to give him some of his stuff that I had from when we dated. We talked all night and agreed to leave this kiss in the past because I was happy in my relationship and he wants me to be happy. By the end of the night we ended up making out. After that I told him we cannot see each other in person anymore (afraid that more will happen).

Im 21 now and almost a year has past since that incident and we still communicate here and there. He has mentioned that he should have been a better bf when we we're together and if he had another chance he would date me again, but since it wont happen he will just have to settle for someone else (his current gf). I know a relationship between us will not work but we have both mentioned that we have wondered how it would have been if he was my first or if we had sex period. I never expected that my first would be my last, but I can really see myself marrying my bf in the future and since we have no serious problems I dont see us breaking up anytime soon. He means so much to me and treats me the way a gf should be treated. I feel guilty about the kisses with my ex but im not about to confess it to my bf and ruin what we have. My best friends said that I have too much of a strong attachment to my ex to fully let him go. I thought I was fully over him until he kissed me at that party.

How do I get rid of the feelings that I have over my ex? Its been 3 years, shouldn't these feeling to be gone by now? Should I break our agreement and not talk to him at all?

And is it wrong to wonder how sex would be with someone else? Or be worried about only ever having sex with one person? I've been told that if I love the person im with then having sex with someone else wouldn't cross my mind but that is not the case. I just never thought that I would only have sex with one person for the rest of my life. Advice
It's very normal and natural to wonder about sex with other people. Even married couples have their fantasies about a superstar model or a famous actor. Certainly one should love the person they're with. But to be completely blind to everyone else around them would be a bit odd. That would border on obsession. Yes maybe in the first few months of dating one tends to be googly-eyed about the person they're with, but after time things return to normal. You can still be drawn to the beauty of others. Different people have different traits.

The key of course is that you don't act on it.

It's also normal and natural, in moments of crisis, to feel strong emotions. So I wouldn't worry too much about what happens in a crisis situation. Few of us know how we'll react when we are threatened.

It's fine to stay friends with an ex - but putting yourself into intimate situations with him is another story. You need to draw a line. We all have multiple friends in life. That's fine. The key is to know how to maintain them at their different levels so that the one important person retains his position without any issues.

Good luck!

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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