I Waited - He Went with Someone Else

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been "talking" to this guy now for about two years now. He said he didn't want a girlfriend because he was still messed up from his last relationship. But when he was ready to be in a relationship, he would be with me. So I respected that. We spent a lot of time together to the point he was the only guy I was giving all of my time to. So of course I cared about him.

He moved out of the state for a year, came back and we resumed what we had.

Then he moved back down there again after a month. Then the phone calls stopped, so I was wondering why he didn't call or text me in a while,(a couple weeks to be exact) so I come to find out he has a girlfriend in the other state.


I spent all this time with him, always came through when he needed me, really cared about him, or didn't do anything to disdain him, and then he gets in a relationship with some other woman.

I am beyond hurt. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Even though it's my fault for having my guard down and trusting him? Sorry, I just had to vent. What should I do now? I'm fed up to the point where I don't even want to talk to anymore men. I am literally sick to my stomach.

RomanceClass.com Advice
A human heart is drawn to the people it is drawn to. I think it's fair to say that this guy's heart was just never drawn to you in a full commitment way. That's not "wrong" or "right" - it just happens. He has been around you for two years and he cares for you as a friend, but not as a lifetime companion. I think it probably was clear to you that two years is a long time to maintain a friendship and you just kept hoping that somehow he's "change". But people don't change. People are the way they are and you have to accept that. This guy liked being your friend. He wasn't interested in being more.

So yes, he got romantically drawn to someone else and he was shy about telling you because he didn't want to lose your friendship. If he didn't care about you he would have told you, because the results wouldn't have bothered him. He *did* care about your friendship and didn't want to lose it.

You can't "trust" someone to do things they don't want to do. That doesn't really make sense. If I have a boyfriend and he doesn't want to ride horses, I can't "trust" him to someday want to. And if he says well someday he might want to ride horses, I still can't force him to really want to. We are all living creatures with our own minds and hearts. They can't be forced to go in specific directions.

The only way love works is if both people honestly, from the core of their being, really want something. He simply didn't really want you. I know that hurts, but again we are all humans and we have these emotions inside us. If you tried to force him to be with you he wouldn't be happy. Is that what you really would have wanted? Yes in a dream world you would have wanted him "naturally" to change - but he didn't. And really most of the time human beings don't change. They are the way they are.

You should treasure his friendship. Clearly it was close. And separately you should find a partner in life who honestly in his very core adores you. You deserve that.

And finally, friendship should always be about people doing things with no expectation of return. If I go and fetch my friend who is stuck in a snowstorm it's not because I expect to get X in return. I do it because I care about her. I am happy to help her. And my joy at doing that is independent of any future actions.

It's important to let people be who they are, and to not try to force them into shapes we wish they fit into. Let him be who he is, and treasure the friendship. Then find a partner who - on his own - craves being with you as a partner.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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