I Took a Break - Then Got Jealous
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My and my girlfriend had some issues in our relationship and we decided that we will stop dating, even though we kept seen each other and acting like we are still together.
One day she is telling me she wants some time on her own to think about what we are doing.
After two days that we haven't spoken I want out to her house at night and caught her right when she was on her way out to meet with friends and asked her what is going on and why aren't we talking. She told me that she don't think it's right for us to be talking right now because we said we aren't dating for now and that we should wait and now talk for a lil bit. I got mad and told her that it will be better if we not gonna talk at all any more, she got really mad for me showing up at her door without talking to her before, and we said that we going to talk the next day so I can come pick up my stuff from her place. We are still not together but we are talking and in the two weeks since its happened we had met up a few times and talked.
Yesterday she told me that the night we had that argument and stop talking she kissed when of her friends at the party, she said it seems ok in her head because we weren't together and she was mad at me and wanted to feel like no one control her. But once she kissed him at felt bad and wrong in her heart and she stopped, she was also drunk that night, and also stop talking with the guy completely after that.
I feel betrayed over that because throughout our breakup I was still loyal because we didn't said we are not coming back we just said we will take a break and be on our own.
I don't know if I should forgive her and put it behind us and see where it's going from here. She said she is really sorry for that and if we were together or dating it would have never happen and because we said we are not dating and we said we will stop talking from now and she was mad at me it happen but she did t felt anything towards him and it just made her regret and feel bad after that.
What do you think I should do?, how should I go on with her, should I be mad? Or we were broken up so I can't blame her for cheating or betraying me?
You were not together. You had stopped being a partner. You can't both be broken up AND have her be committed to you! That doesn't make any sense. In essence you didn't want to be broken up. You wanted to still be her one-and-only partner. But if that was the case you shouldn't have agreed to break up. You should have stuck with it and made it work. By saying "OK we are breaking up" you are therefore releasing her from being your one-and-only partner. She therefore can be free to do what she wants to do.
Not only that, but after you broke up with her, you still hounded her and acted as if she had to report in to you about what she did and who she was doing it with. So you made it even "worse" - now you were a stalker. No person likes to be stalked or controlled. It makes a lot of sense that she would rebel against that, especially if she was drunk.
There's no way to legitimately feel betrayed in here. By that logic, if a married couple gets divorced, can the divorced partner never see anybody else for the rest of their entire life? That is the meaning of the word "divorce" - the people are now free to do something else with their lives. If one person chooses to remain celibate and wait around, that is certainly their choice, but it wouldn't be reasonable for them to expect the other person to do the same. Again, if the intention was to make things work, there should never have been a break or a break-up. The people should have put in the time and effort to fix what was wrong.
If there's blame here, it's that you gave up on the relationship and allowed the break to happen when you didn't want her to see anybody else. Surely there were steps you could have taken to try to get through whatever was wrong? Hopefully those steps can now be taken.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com