My Guy is Focused on Another Woman

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
i have a relationship w/ a guy who is lately hanging out with an old lady friend. she is going thru a rough time w/ her marriage and constant fights at home. since she hasn't been able to find someone to help her deal w/ her troubles. they have been communicating a lot thru txts or meeting personally.

at first I was concern for her. but lately she is the last and first person he txts. we talked about it but all he said was I had no need to feel jealous, she is just going thru many problems. I hate the feeling knowing she sends him pictures at night, Its just not peaceful to me. what need is there to share w/him pictures late at night? when she was single he was into her but she made it clear he was a friend. Now she is in trouble and He is trying to help, although it's hurting me, feeling replaced.

I'm trying to understand their friendship is just that she needs someone to be there for her in her time of need, but why do I have to share him w/ her? sharing its not in my vocabulary. I know it wouldn't be fair to ask him to keep away from her, she needs him somehow. plus since they started cycling together, they will be seeing a lot more of each other, for a long time. I just got that feeling of being left aside. I'd like to ask him to tell me when he is gonna be with her instead of just avoiding telling me, but I don't know how. all of my friends are always busy so I never do anything with no one other than him. I'd like to know all about their time together but the one time he tried to tell me I couldn't bear to listen how much fun they had.

Now he even avoids texting w/ her in-front of me, that only makes me feel worst and regret not accepting his effort before. I've decided to adjust to this painful change for me, because I'd like to make our relationship last plus if this is how life is then I got to manage this situations. . . . . Advice
You've got a complicated issue going on here.

First, yes, it's sad that she has a rough situation going on. It's nice that he's helping out. However, if her solution is to latch onto another male figure rather than work it out with her husband, that's not good at all. It's not good for her marriage. It's not good for the husband. Or for her. Either she should dedicate herself 100% to working on her marriage, or she should start the process for divorce and let her husband find someone who IS committed to the process. For her to be instead dedicating her time and energy to talking with another guy is unhealthy all around. And that's not even taking into account YOUR side of things.

So on your side, your husband is now in essence the "other man", the one this woman is cheating with. Sure they're not intimate physically. But emotional intimacy is just as bad if not worse. He is investing his time and energy in her, not you. He is on call for her, not you. And he is hiding away his activities with her. None of that is good at all.

And absolutely she shouldn't be sending him photos. That's crossing the line. That's flirtatious, not friendship.

With this all being said, you absolutely need a network of friends in your own life. No matter what he does or does not do, that is critical for your long term health. So separate from everything, you need to develop new friends. Yes it takes time and effort, but if your current friends are busy with other responsibilities it's something you need to do. Think of hobbies or interests that you have. Then join a club, or attend a meeting, or SOMETHING. You need to start working on that.

However, it's time to sit down with your guy and have a talk. This isn't about jealousy. It's about common sense in a relationship. The married woman needs to focus on fixing or resolving her marriage. All that energy she pours into YOUR guy is energy she's not using on HER guy. So if she'd rather be talking to YOUR guy and spending time with YOUR guy, that's no longer a friendship. That's a courting process. And he is enabling her through his actions. He needs to have her talk to a therapist, to get help that actually helps her.

Good luck!

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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