How Can I Fix my Friendship

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female

2 years ago I lost my best guy friend over what I feel like was a misunderstanding over text messages that were taken the wrong way. He cut me out of his life and didn't tell me why. At the time I was dealing with a lot of issues. My relationship with my fiancÚ wasn't going well, I was manic and depressed. I did a lot of uncharacteristic things and I think it pushed him away.

I wrote to him over social media, for a year to no response. He didn't block me though. Then my ex-husband at the time got involved and sent him a message, he was just trying to fix things, but I think it made it worse. My friend told me after that to never contact him again, but a day before that, I had a friend of mine call him for me when I was in a bad place and he told my friend that if I needed someone to talk to I could give him a call. So I assumed contacting him was ok. I guess it wasn't.

I see a therapist and I have a psychiatrist. I'm also on a mood stabilizer and anti anxiety meds. A lot has to do with my friendship that ended. I have trouble sleeping, nightmares and in general feel shitty about what I did and what went wrong during our friendship. While this is being managed through therapy I still have issues with it.

I really want to fix things and I know I would be able to sleep better and feel better and get back to my old self if I knew things were ok between us. I just don't know how to go about fixing it. We were really close, I told him things I wouldn't just tell anyone, he was always there for me when I needed advice or just someone to talk to when I was having a bad time.

So if you have any ideas on how I can maybe fix this please let me know. I hate feeling heartbroken and being upset over this. I really care about my friends, I have so few of them and when they are upset with me I just feel awful.

Thanks in advance Advice
It's always hard when true friendships have issues. In some ways it's even harder than a romantic relationship. We know from everything society tells us that boyfriends and girlfriends come and go. Marriages break up. But through it all our friends stand by our side. It can be really hard when it's the friendship that has a problem. It can be even rougher when we think it's our fault.

Friendship is always a two way street, and there are enormous numbers of people dealing with emotional and mental challenges. Part of being a friend is weathering those. If a friend dropped a friend because they were depressed or anxious or had other challenges there would be no friends left. You already have enough to shoulder with your mental challenges. Do your best not to also take on the burden of feeling guilty about every thing they made you do or say. Life happens. Things happen. It's how life goes. And we learn and keep going. A true friend wouldn't have left. There is equal "guilt" on both sides.

I'd avoid thinking about an "old self" - life never goes backwards. We always go forward and our hope is to make forwards better. You want to move forward to a new better place where you can have a fresh relationship with him which is strong. Where you are feeling calm and content. This is a fresh start.

Spend some time simply being content. People are drawn to people who are content, and the best way to show him you're that person is to be that person. Focus on yourself. Do things you like. Talk about them on social media. The more you demonstrate that you are now calm and relaxing to be with, the more the thought will seem interesting to him. After a few months of that, send him a note talking about how happy you are and thank him for being an important part of your growth to this point. Say that you appreciate all he's been to you, to help you reach your current state. Make it simply about your being happy. Don't make it pressure for him to do anything or to fulfill any role.

Take it step by step.

Best of luck!

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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