In Love with a Married Woman
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Malei met my best friend 3 years ago...she has been in a bad marriage the whole time. we became very close emotionally right from the start. her husband has long suspected and accused her and i of having an affair, and has asked her to stop seeing or communicating with me almost constantly, to which she has always told him that were friends and he has to deal with it. there was two seperate times in the first year of our friendship where we were going to cross the line, and ended up not because both were worried about losing the friendship.
since meeting her, ive always been in her life and am the only "outsider invited to "family only" outings and celebrations (ie:christmas, thanksgiving, mothers b-day..) her family loves me a great deal while not caring for him. he values his money above love, whats his is his, they have seperate bank accts and pay their own bills, he shows her little to no affection or attention, sex is rare if ever, he puts her down, refuses to take care of her financially when she has the need,(i do) puts his friends above her, and always wants to be with the boys. i asked her what she missed most about how things were in the begining with them and she said the attention he would show to her.
about 1-1/2 years ago she found out he had been unfaithful to her...it changed her view on the marriage and although they had a few up times since then, they have been mostly down times. they have been married 4 years and dated 4 years prior to that. since finding out about his unfaithfullness, she has threatened to leave him but never did...about a month ago, he told her he thinks it would be best if she left and they become seperated...he is staying in their house and she has moved into a trailer. he has bought her a few items of furniture (couch, love seat, & dryer). she had believed that marriage was for life and although so unhappy, seems to be holding out hope that they will get back together, although in reality she knows its over.
her and i have constant communication, emiling back & forth during the day and usually talking 3-4 times a day for 30-45 minutes each time, we meet a couple times a week for lunch, and have spent many whole days off doing "friend" stuff together. i send her flowers and give her little gifts now and then, at times i'll take her and her daughter out to dinner, and shopping, movies, etc... when were together it seems like were married and in love, but without the physical side. ive given her necklaces and bracelets which she wears more than the jewelry her own husband has given her. we hug hello and goodbye. she knows that i love her and that one day id like us to become more, but have been waiting for her marriage to one day end as i felt that it would. when with her, she gives me all the classic body language moves (mirroring, adusting her hair, legs opening and closing, forward leans, body twisting towards me..etc.) but at the same time she seems very afraid of taking it to the next level and has said so because of potentially losing the closeness we now share if things didnt work out.
during the time weve known each other ive had several relationships, but have been unable to fall in love with them as my freind owns the key to my heart, and knows it. she typically gets jealous of these relationships and lets it show when i begin to get too close to them, she'll start pointing out there flaws..etc..
my question...with her now seperated and living on her own, i would anticipate us spending even more time together. i want to take it to the next level, but am almost paralysed with fear of making that first move...what if im totally reading her wrong?...what if she really only does want me as a friend? although i dont think its even a chance, could i possibly be being used? do the things she does and say lead you to belive she also wants more out of our relationship, but is just scared? if she does, when is the right time?...do i need to have her heal from what she is going thru? if so, what do i do in the meantime?...although i love her deeply and she is my best friend, im sort of tired of just being friends and am afraid if i keep doing what im doing, she'll turn to someone else for the physical side she wont have from the marriage, and we'll forever just be friends.
please tell me what i should do asap!!!
RomanceClass.com AdviceDefinitely she needs to get divorced first, this seems to be a HUGE issue for her and it sounds like she really needs closure from her previous life before she is willing to move forward. With everything she has been doing and going through, I would get her to talk to a therapist. If she can talk to a third party about everything, and realize that she needs to move on, then I really think she will. But it can't be YOU that tells her to do this because then you would be "the one to blame" when things had rough roads in the future. ALL relationships have ups and downs and you don't want to be the "scapegoat" the times things are down. So have a third party person get her to that stage and through it.
Once she's divorced I don't think you'll have any trouble at all, it sounds like you guys are really great together. So help her see that that is the logical next step, and that clinging to something that is rotten is extremely unhealthy. If something is bad, then you end it and move on with your life.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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