I love my best friend's boyfriend
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Femalethere is this guy that im am deeply in luv with but he's going out with one of me best friends and he likes her alot and i really want them to break up .....WHAT SHOULD I DO
RomanceClass.com AdviceThis is really, really common. First off, you and your friend have a lot in common, so a guy she would like, you would like too. Second, even if there happen to be ten other guys in your general vicinity that you would love even more, they're not being stuffed in your face every day. A lot of why people fall in love with their best friends' partners is that they're in constant contact with them, and see and hear about all the good things they do. And the people think, "How come SHE (or he) gets that wonderful person? Why don't *I* get a person like that?"
So it's very natural and normal that you've fallen in love with him. This happens quite a lot. My strong advice is to NOT try to break them up. There are many reasons for that. First, your aim is to be in a relationship with someone who loves you, who you trust and who you are secure with. If he is capable of just dumping her for you because you push him to, he will then be capable of dumping YOU for someone else (maybe even her) because he's already in the habit of just dropping one person when another comes along. That's really bad.
Second, any time you push someone into breaking up with someone else (or even nudge them) they often will blame you for that breakup forever after. Any time they feel bad or get into a small argument after that, they'll think "Well I *should* have still been with XXXX who loved me, except YOU made us break up." It's a very bad memory to have always lurking over your relationship.
Third, friendship should be stronger than passing loves and lusts. I know you deeply love this guy. But those feelings do come and go, and especially that passionate-love you feel at the beginning of a relationship fades into a more steady love as time goes on. And all love is based on a solid friendship and communication. So in many ways friendship is more important than love, because it's the ROOT of any love. If you're able to destroy a friendship because of love, you've sort of missed out on what love is all about.
You need to support your best friend, and care for her, and be happy that she has found someone who she cares for and who cares for her. And yes, you care for him too. Because that's what happens, and it's common. But part of being mature enough to date and make these decisions is to be able to love someone from afar and be happy for them where they are. Life is not an open candy store where you can just grab anything that catches your eye. Love and caring often mean that you love someone enough to let them be where they are happy, and support them without grabbing them for your very own.
That all being said, be a great friend to both of them. Build up your friendship with them both, be trustworthy, be there, talk with them. Life is rarely static, things are always changing. Most relationships end up breaking up as people figure out what works and doesn't work in their lives. So if you're there for them both, and steady, if they break up, you'll be there to support both. And you'll help her get through her sadness, and help him see that you were always around and *respectful* of how he felt and looking out for his happiness.
If you do that well, he may realize you were better for him anyway, and she may wish you luck with him while she moves along to someone else. And it's likely that even when you date him, you realize that he wasn't right for you after all and you guys will break up too. I've been in that exact situation - I waited a year for my best friend to break up with her guy because I loved him dearly. Finally they did, and she wished me better luck with him than she had had. And he liked me because I'd always been friendly but not destructive. But then when he and I dated, it just didn't work out well either. All my dreams about what it would be like were much different when we were actually together.
So be a great friend, and be patient. If it was meant to be, you'll get your chance. But in the meantime, know that a guy like him is what you're interested in, and keep your eyes open. You might easily find another guy even better, now that you know what to look for.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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True love
friend is always there
