Dealing with a Too Friendly Ex

I'll write this discussion with the guy as the one worried, but of course it can be the girl that is worried in the exact same manner. It's just easier to write it one way rather than saying his/her everywhere!!

I often have a guy write me, worried that his girl is spending a lot of time with her ex-boyfriend. The girl claims that she and the ex are just good friends now ... but the guy worries that the ex actually wants her back and is trying to slowly seduce her away.

Here is my response.

There's a fine line to walk between wanting your girlfriend to naturally stay away from predators and letting her retain her male friends. Every female needs to have male friends to keep their view of the world a healthy, rounded one. But there are definitely guys out there that take advantage of girls and keep trying to seduce and coerce them to 'steal them away'.

In the end of course, this is something your girlfriend needs to learn how to judge on her own. You can't be watching over her 24 hours a day and this is an issue that girls deal with their entire lives. There will always be male friends, there will always be male predators. There will always be the need to distinguish between the two.

Give her support and say that you trust her, but do sit down with her and explain your concerns in a *nice* not a *overbearing* way. That is, don't say "I don't want you seeing him! I don't trust him!" But instead say, "You are very sweet and wonderful, and it would be natural for a guy to want to spend more time with you and have you for his own. You and I have a commitment to each other, though. I want you to think about how much time you spend with him - are you maybe leading him on, even without realizing it? Are you perhaps raising his hopes that he COULD have you for himself if he just works on it hard enough? If you spend that much time with him that he does feel that way, you're harming his ability to meet *other* girls that he could actually date. You need to balance you enjoyment of his company with the effect it has on his normal meeting-girls mentality."

Hopefully if you phrase it like that she'll understand. It's not that you don't trust her. It's that a person in a relationship actively avoids temptation, and actively avoids leading on others. It's for HIS own good. If he insists he wants to keep seeing a lot of her, there's again a fine line between what a *friend* would want and what a *persuer* would want. And you guys should agree that there IS a line there and to watch for it.

Also, be sure that she does spend the most time with you. You should always be her priority, and she should be yours. Friends are fine, but the boyfriend-girlfriend should be the BEST friends and the ones who want to spend the most time together.

How To ... in Love
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