Last night I wrote down all the reasons we are not right for each other and when I think about it perhaps we are not right for each other? If that being the case I don't know why I am feeling so xxxx about it this. The first 4 weeks I didn't know what to think but for the most part I was ok. However now, 6 weeks on i feel worse than I did at the start.
I have got this the wrong way round, I should have felt worse at the start and should be feeling slightly better now.
You can write down a million things that are wrong with someone, but sometimes, all you need is 1 right thing to overtake everything. If you feel you two aren't right for each other, then maybe you're really not, but you have to believe that 100%.
To be honest... I know exactly what you mean by the first 4 weeks. I can back this up with my personal experience. First few weeks I also felt very relieved. It's been a month already for me, and now as recently as three days ago, I'm at that stage where you're at. Where I miss G in every aspect, physically, sexually, communicatively, and personally. It makes absolute sense though.
Reason (at least to me) is because during the first few weeks, you feel strong, you feel relieved, your anxiousness no longer matters because you have nothing left to fear concerning her... but now you're starting to lament, you start to realize what exactly you miss. Its not uncommon, not at all. You never gave yourself a chance to be sad, and I never did either, time was too short to even worry, and it didn't seem even worth it to feel pain. Life warranted keeping busy, keeping occupied, but when everything either slows down, or becomes less of an adventure or challenge and more of a routine... that's when you find yourself thinking... always thinking... and it sucks... really really sucks.
I hate this, I know now why I stayed single for 3 years by choice and it was to avoid going through this xxxx again.
Someone once told me... if you never give people a chance, then you'll never find your second half. I think my reply was something like "yes... but the coffee is too good in la-la-land."
There are two types of people in the world, generally speaking.
Those that require ample and liberal amounts of people to surround them. They are happy being part of the attention or crowd. They settle, never do they fight for what they want, sometimes they don't even know what they want. Always meeting new people and having fun with their friends; the dozens of friends they keep. They are quick to trust everyone, and quicker to forget by all. They do what everyone else does, they sometimes don't even have anything original that defines them. When you say to them "I want to know the real you." their response is always "There is nothing really to tell/There's not much to me/I'm not really all that exciting or special." I like to call these people "Expendables."
Then, there are those that need close to nothing. They have few friends, but the friends they have, they are for life. They trust few, but those they trust, they trust with their life. They know what they want the moment they wake up to the moment they fall asleep at night. Sometimes, they are the center of attention, sometimes they are hidden in the back. People are drawn to them, people like them, and they don't know why. They blend into any crowd, they belong to no one group, they live in the moment, but also plan ahead, they live for today, but hope for tomorrow, and they are never ever forgotten. They're your musicians, your fighters, your heroes, they're even the loud guy that sings at work. I call these people "Non-expendables."
You my friend, you are non-expendable. People like you because you are true to yourself. People admire that, and when someone hurts someone like us, the world feels it.
You don't let many people into your life because you're afraid of if/when they're going to leave. That's our virtue and our vice. An expendable can come and go, but a non-expendable is for life. As much as you want to let people in, its difficult. Maybe you've been hurt too many times, maybe you don't trust people, maybe you think too much, I don't know for sure, maybe its even all three, maybe its neither.
If you wanted to be single for 3 years, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It just means you were waiting for the right person to come along, the one that just made your world. I don't know if this girl has the ability to do that for you, but it does sound like it, and to someone like us, it means a lot. Everyone says getting hurt is a part of life, its true, it is, but the difference between an E and a NE is how it affects them.
I agree, you do need an answer from her. Give her the time to think yes, but you will need an answer. Not for notice, not for the sake of it, but for closure. For either making or breaking your relationship. I wont go as far to say your girl is an E, but I know G is. I've come to realize that. G is an E, and I am an NE. There are millions like her, but there are few, if any, like me. Likewise for you. The closure of this chapter in your life is what you need. Whether she wants you, or not, it will end this chapter in your life, and you will begin another chapter, but in order to do so, you need the closure, the conclusion, the end. I didn't get my closure with G, and as I said before, her words said one thing but her lips said another. I wont take over your post and talk about myself, but I will say this, don't be like me and run away, find your peace, and begin your new chapter, don't end your chapter on a TBC.
When we spoke on the phone i put on this complete act of saying "Yeah I am fine, been really busy and i feel good" I think she done the same as we both avoided talking about "us" Now it seems she doesn't want to talk about us at all. I have told her how I feel and I have asked her to tell me how she feels, the least she could do would be to just write back and tell me. But maybe this is another case of where she is showing the immaturity for her age. Maybe this is the immaturity of being 19, but she has been so mature about the whole thing and that has suprised me.
Of course you would tell her you're fine. No one wants to hear the latter, and no one will ever say the latter. Maybe you are correct in her being immature for her age. I dated a girl once who was three years older than me, but she was very immature. Age really has nothing to do with it, but it does play a role at times. She will eventually speak to you about it, it will come up at one time, when she's ready, believe you me. Playing the waiting game sucks, especially when its not on your terms. If you feel inclined to find the truth, you can ask her. I doubt she would see you as pushy, but if she does, then it sadly means she's not giving it her all. Not wanting to be put on the spot. No one likes being put on the spot, but as I said in a previous post, your feelings are just as important, if not more.
I want to leave you with one last thing. These are lyrics from a favorite song of mine. The song is called "Half-Truism" by the Offspring.
"Your own liberation will leave them behind
All the slings and arrows that rain on your mind
Don't make it better
Break it cause it never mattered anyway"
You are your own worst enemy. No one can ever hurt you as much as you can hurt yourself. So everything that happens, though painful, makes you stronger. And though you miss her, if you can wake up every morning, take a breath; you'll see that the world will get brighter again, and your war will come to an end one day.
