Here's my offering.
It's long ~ but I hope that it is also helpful:
i have been married now for 8 1/2 yrs. we have been thru a WHOLE LOT thru out the 11 yrs that we have been together.
To be together for 11 years ~ and married for 8 and a half of them ~ is quite an achievement in itself. It should indicate that something is working well.
On the other hand, it can lead to laziness in a relationship, where one or other party (or both) feels that they no longer have to work at it. This can result in romance disappearing, even if love still exists.
..we had our daughter, who is now 6 yrs old, when we were married for 2 1/2 yrs. that was a MAJOR problem to my husband. he didn't want kids til WAY later. but i do not believe in abortions if it is not ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. so i had her. but he resents me for having her. he wasn't ready to have a child and still to this day he doesn't want to have the responsibilities. but he HAS to, so he does when he wants to.
Difficult one.
A lot of men are not that keen to start a family. Many are, but many are not. My Dad wasn't too bothered, yet he lived for his family once we came along. My husband wasn't too keen, either ~ so I said that I would look after them, but he loves his kids & of course, he does look after them.
The difference is that my parents agreed to start a family early and my husband & I agreed to start ours later.
In your case, your husband had not agreed to start a family, at all, so he is still angry & resentful.
However, he fathered this child. It is half his.
I suppose the important thing, regarding conception, is whether you tricked him into making you pregnant, or if the child just came along in spite of contraceptives. If you had deliberately deceived him, then his resentment would be understandable. Even then, though, the decision should be a joint one ~ not just his alone.
Men often feel pushed aside, though, by their partner's love for, and involvement with, the children. They realise that the child needs to be cared for, but that doesn't alter the fact that they married a woman, for love and affection, and ended up with a wife, who cares more about someone else.
Either way, you now have a six-year-old daughter and he only takes responsibility for her if and when he feels in the mood.
Is it possible that it is not just resentment of the child that makes him feel like this, but resentment at his need to work 6 days per week?
Does he feel exhausted at being the sole wage-earner, and then having to take an interest in a child who exhausts him?
Does the thought of then going on 'a date' with you seem unnecessarily tiring?
The attitude to his daughter is worrying, whatever the reason.
Your daughter must be aware of her father's resentment and that cannot be good for her.
Is he actually unpleasant towards her, when he is feeling resentful?
Is it good for her to be left in his care in these circumstances?
You said elsewhere:
unfortunately for our daughter her mom and dad are both stubborn and leaders. so she has it real bad. never wants to listen. wants to be in control all the time. and just drives us up the wall on a daily basis. well, at least 6 days out of 7. lol. she is very smart and bright.
Bright, strong kids are rewarding but hard-going ~ especially if the parents are tired and stressed. My husband and I found this very, very hard.
At 6, how far is she allowed to dominate the household ('be in control')? Is her strong personality and childish energy too much for her tired dad to deal with?
Is this made worse by her trying over-hard to get the attention of a father who resents her presence?
.. he works 6 days a week now. he says that he would rather be working and i take care of everything else. like taking our kid to school and picking her up. cleaning the house and making the meals. he doesn't know how to cook anyway. i also make sure the bills get paid. i tell him how much they are when they need to get paid and he gives me the money to pay them.
He is doing a full-time job ~ out at work ~ and you are doing a full-time job as a home-maker.
This is the same pattern that my Mum & Dad followed and the same one my husband and I have followed. I have stayed home and been a full-time Mum. It is what I wanted, and what I felt my children deserved, though it has not always been easy, especially when I had post-natal depression. My Mum was a full-time mum, too, and my Dad felt that his place was at work and hers, while we were children, was in the home. She agreed. It doesn't suit everyone, but I think that it is fair on all parties. All are working; all are contributing.
... we somehow NEVER have time to go out as a couple.
My husband & I always went out together, as a couple, on Saturday evenings, when our children were young. My Mum and Dad loved babysitting, so they looked after the children, while we went on dates. Is there no-one you can trust with your daughter?
Certainly I would never leave my children with anyone I didn't know well & trust implicitly.
let alone ME TO HAVE ME TIME. i do all of the things mentioned above. and i stay home and care for our daughter 24/7 when she is not in school of course.
Sometimes, mothers work very hard, every day, doing (repeating) household work that could actually be left for a while longer.
If you could find some time, every day, when your daughter is in school, you could take up a hobby ~ even if it was only flower-pressing. Your daughter might enjoy that too!
Perhaps you could go to an adult education class, or the cinema, or the library, or a bird club. You might find some good friends.
... anyway, most of the time we don't have any money after the bills get paid to even go anywhere. ... i have suggested places to go that we don't have to pay, like the beach, a park, etc. but we have to pay for gas, and if we get hungry we have to buy food. that is his come back.
Is there somewhere closer that doesn't require lots of fuel?
Couldn't you take a picnic?
Is he giving genuine reasons, or making excuses?
Does he actually want to spend time with you?
Does he still love you & enjoy your company?
Is he too tired to go out on his one day off?
Does he think that, at the beach or the park, you will play with your daughter and just use him as a taxi-driver?
... he says that it isn't his fault. that i should go out and meet people. i am not the type to go to LOOK for friends. so i don't do that either.
..... he is at a friends house now, watching the charger game. he told me last night that he would probably be going today. so i knew. but the thing that sux is.......... he has somewhere to go every weekend. he has friends that invite him places. he goes to parties. he has been to b-day parties for people i know too. but he doesn't invite me to go with him.
Well, as for going out with friends, my husband has always done that, too. He plays football regularly ~ and matches are followed by a trip to the pub. Our eldest son joins him now! Sometimes he has works events to go to, and I am not always included. It's just the way it is.
However, personal invites to parties, which don't include the wife, sound a bit odd to me. Who would do that?!
We spend a lot of time together, but he spends time with his friends, too. It usually works out fine. He, too, has suggested that I make more friends, but I agree that it's not that easy.
However, I have old friends from school, university & work, though, and I have relatives, so I do go out with them & when the children were younger I chatted to the other school mums a lot. I also study at ~ and have taught ~ adult education classes, where I meet new people. Are these possibilities for you, too?
... he was never into football till a few months ago ...
You asked why I thought that the posts I referred to were relevant.
It is because you said:
'i know that some ppl find out later in life how they feel about their own sexuality. i know myself being 30 just realized that i am also attracted to the same sex. have not made a move on it tho. my hubby knows and does not care if i do. but of course i only want to be with him. he would accept me however i want to be. bi or straight. we would not divorce over it.'I think that if a man realises that his wife is attracted to other people, it is going to affect him ~ more than he acknowledges.
It threatens who he is; his virility; his raison d'etre.
If he finds out that she is sometimes attracted to women, it might make him question his own masculinity.
So he might become more macho ~ watching football games with the lads and going to parties, 'as a single chap', etc.
have not made a move on it tho. my hubby knows and does not care if i do
He does not care if you have a relationship with someone else?
Are you sure that he is dealing with this as well as you think he is?
Most men wouldn't.
Is he covering up his shock & confusion, or does he really not care, because, perhaps, he is not interested and is attracted to other people ~ and hopes that you won't care if he, himself, 'makes a move'?
... he gets mad at me for making him feel guilty. i just tell myself ~ so what. i don't care. it isn't fair that he gets to go have fun and alone time and I CAN'T. it makes me feel so alone all the time.
and having depression for many yrs along with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) does not help any of it either. yes, i am getting help thru the VA for this. that is another reason i have pets, to DE-STRESS myself and not feel so lonely all the time.
I know that my husband found it extremely hard to cope ~ with me and our child ~ when I was suffering from post-natal depression and PTSD. It was then ~ when I felt that I needed him most ~that he was least able to cope with a child, long working hours and my health problems. He probably spent more time with friends then, than at any other time, because he needed them in order to de-stress.
i have sooo much going on in my life and in my own head that me not getting ME TIME is just so hard to deal with. and the fact that my marriage is just retarded. not having dates but 1-3 times a yr sux. i just don't know what to say to him anymore to get him to understand that the time i have alone with him means a lot to me along with the time i get alone by myself. he doesn't seem to care what i have to say about stuff like that. he says it's always my fault that this stuff doesn't happen. since i chose to have our child. i also don't have any friends to watch our child so we can go out. and it isn't his fault that we don't have any money and i don't have any for myself to go either.
May I suggest relationship counselling.
I think that you may both need it if this is to work.
Do you love him?
Does he love you?
Do you both love your child?
Do you both
want this to work?
If so, you all need help before this downward spiral rushes out of control.
I hope thst some of this helps.
It is just my response to what you have posted, and I may have misunderstood some of the things that you have described.
Think it all over well, though.
Good luck!!
