Birdygirly, I know how you feel when you say
"... Some part of me enjoyed (and maybe still does) knowing that even though he has moved on with someone else he still thinks of me every now and then. .... It's like it tears me in half because part of me STILL want to hear his voice and his lies.....
... the emotional part that I thought would fade sooner is still there ...
To EVERYONE I should be over this..and I'm not. "
I had a similar situation. I got married very young and was in an abusive relationship for two years. The only reason me and my ex broke up was because he went to jail. While he was there, I was so happy. I missed him, but I also got to do simple things I wasnt "allowed" to do before, like hang out with freinds, go out dancing, etc. I saw what I had been missing. I also met another guy (my currnet boyfriend) who treated me so much differently (although we have been having our problems lately) and showed me that I deserved better.
When my ex got out of jail, it was torture for me. When I saw him (and I idiotically went to see him) all of the old feelings came back. I had feelings for him for a long long time, and somewherew inside, I still do in part. It has been almost 1 year since we broke up. I just recently could say I was "over" him. But if we speak, even on the phone, I get nervous, and my heart races, and I feel all jittery inside. Part of me still loves him, and I think will always love him. He was my first love, and is the father of my daughter. She also looks just like him. But I would never ever ever want to be with him again. While we have been apart, he has shown me that he will never change.
The point is, these things take time. As much as you think your should be "over" it, you wont get over it until you are ready, and it could be months or years or never. But I like to think that this experience has helped me to love myself more and to realize that I will never let anyone be that way to me again. I still have feelings for him, but more than anythign, these feelings are for the him that I knew when I met him, before he bacame abusive, and an alcoholic. And whenever I missed hikm before, it wasn't him that I missed, but the "habit" of being with him, if you will. I was used to him, but by the end, I didn't love him. And I was afraid of being alone.
I hope this helps you. I feel like Im rambling, but somehow your story reminds me of what happened to me.
I hope everything works out.
