... he still doesn't understand how over a year later I still have these feelings. ...
Only a year?!
Well, if that's all it is, I am not at all surprised.
But I'm guessing that you don't understand why, either.
Some thoughts:
For some reason, girls are often attracted to the 'wrong type'. There are plenty of films on the subject.
I married my first real boyfriend ~ a very decent person ~ and most of the boys and men I have ever known have been very nice people, but when I was in my teens, I did find myself attracted to some boys I didn't even like. They were not nice. They were dangerous even. It scared me that I should even notice them ~ yet I did. Why??? I never went out with any of them, thankfully.
And, at 16, I became quite smitten by a married man 20 years my senior who happened to be my boss at a summer job. All the girls & women found him attractive & I suppose he knew it. He used to flirt with me & even asked me out! Thankfully I wasn't stupid enough to go, but some of the other girls thought that I should have.
So, you are not alone in finding these 'exciting' & 'dangerous' males attractive ~ rightly or wrongly. Remember, you were very young and vulnerable. A teenager may seem like an adult, but a teenager's only experience is that of a child.
And it is a well known thing that if parents say 'no' to a boy, daughters are going to find them even more attractive.
Plus, no-one is ever going to forget their first love ~ their first kiss.
And no-one is ever going to forget being hurt and let down by that first love.
And no-one forgets being bullied.
In 1975, I left school/college and started working in an office. I was there for seven years and for most that that time my life was like hell on earth. Basically I was hated & bullied. I had some friends there and some good times, but many of my colleagues treated me very badly. I don't know why. They didn't like me before they even met me.
How long do you think it took for me to get over that?
No-one physically hurt me.
It was mostly emotional.
I left in 1982.
It was probably 20 years before I could distance myself enough from it to really put it in the past and to not let it bother me.
A year is not long to process what you have been through, with very little support, at a very young age.
With love and support you
will get through this, but it is not going to happen overnight ~ nor even in a year. It will be a slow process.
As for feeling bewildered by, and even guilty about, some of your feelings regarding this man, remember, he was your first true love. You are probably still a little bit in love with the part of him that was loving. And you still remember how you felt. Those feelings are still yours. You probably yearn for some tangible reminder of the good parts, but you are left only with confusion, guilt, pain, regret, etc. Because what should have been this special first love was never really real.
I fell in love with a boy at the tender age of nine. He was also 9 and he loved me too. He still holds a special place in my affections. One's heart holds on to special feelings of early love. Sadly, this man's love was tainted. He was not worthy of your love. But he was still your first love.
Hopefully, the bad memories will fade and you will replace memories of this false first love with memories of your first true love.
It will take time, though.
Be patient with yourself, even if others are not so patient with you.
Take care!
