Dagny, I'm sorry but I don't think that I made myself clear ~ possibly because I do, indeed, feel a bit confused.
It does not matter that I feel confused; it matters that you do.
Look again at those comments of yours that I quoted.
They are confusing and / or contradictory.
They are your own comments ~ so you must be confused as to what this boy is like and how you should behave.
This is not a good place to be when you are planning marriage.
What if he does turn out to be abusive?
Would that be good for you and any children that you may have?
What if he's not; but you go on thinking that he might be 'a bad husband', as opposed to 'a bad boyfriend'?
Would that be a pleasant marriage for him?
It is not usual for young people in love to be wondering if their partner is 'bad'.
This is the very word that you yourself used.
Of course marriage is a big step and it's normal to give it a lot of thought ~ and to get cold feet, etc, but it is not commonplace for people to say that they are going to marry an 'awesome' man, but they are a bit concerned that he might be 'bad' and 'abusive'.
If he is 'bad', then you will not be happy if you get married.
If he is a lovely person, but you are going to keep wondering if he is 'bad', then he may not be happy if you get married.
Yes, take the advice of Eliz ~ go away with family or friends for a while ~ put some space between you and give this some real thought ~ not over-analysis, just real objective consideration.
But first, follow Jo's advice and talk all this through properly.
You are quite corrct that marriage is a big step and almost everything that you say indicates that you are not ready to be planning for it just yet.
But those are just my thoughts. You have to make your own decisions, based on what you know, what you experience and what you feel. The advice of real loved-ones who know you both could be helpful, too.
Good luck!
