well, the things that have brought this up now are sort of easy, the nightmares just started. In reality he will call me, it used to be my cell phone, and for the longest time I let it keep happening. Some part of me enjoyed (and maybe still does) knowing that even though he has moved on with someone else he still thinks of me every now and then. To try and help stop his calls, I finally changed my cell phone number. Now, he will call my house. I have told him numerous times throughout the last year to leave me alone, and my father has also answered when he calls (he calls with a private number, it's sort of his trademark, so everyone in my house knows it's him) and my father has told him to stop calling. Sometimes he may only call once a month, but it is just so torturous for me. It's like it tears me in half because part of me STILL want to hear his voice and his lies. Just act like things are normal again.
The overall situation is resolved (physically I guess). We are no longer together and I try to not talk to him. But the emotional part that I thought would fade sooner is still there. While I was in Spain I read this book called "here on earth". If anyone has read that book, it is like my life. More grown up, but the events are still very similar. In Spain I realized that even though I had escaped from the place of origin, the pain still followed me. I had run across the ocean, and still I felt the wounds still bleeding. (metaphorically).
I don't trust my pastor a whole lot, and I have told a blotched story to everyone. My family can't afford for me to have counseling, and they wouldn't understand my need for it either. My parents HATED him, and always tried to break us up. It usually ended in me sneaking around and lying to them. They knew I was still with him, but they didn't understand why. There is a lot about that relationship they don't know because it would hurt them to know. They would feel like they didn't protect me when they should have, even though there was nothing they could have done. So, to my parents, I should be over this. To EVERYONE I should be over this..and I'm not.
I may try the letter writing. I use a journal, and after reading a passage I wrote while in Spain, it also brought everything to a head, along with the nightmares. I know dreams aren't real, but the fear, and anger I feel in them IS real.
He stalked me for a long time after we broke up, until he moved away. And he still hacks onto my e-mails and other things. He sees personal things that he shouldn't, then he calls to brag. It feels like this never ends.
I just want it to go away, but it wont. I talked to my psychology professor about it in Spain and he said it was a good thing that the book "here on earth" bothered me, that it was steps in the right direction..but everything is still there..I hope this answered some questions. I will come back later, but my mom is leaving and I have to go with her
thanks for listening and trying to help.
