PDM, he was my first boyfriend and everything else (kiss, etc.) We met my freshman year in high school, I was 14, and he had just turned 15. I think you are right that the biggest part of my problem may still be that I care that he "cares". I don't want to, but I just can't shake it. It is sort of lose lose. I am in love with Matt, I can see myself with him forever more, but I can't help having feelings for my ex. I don't EVER want to be with him again, but I still care
. He does have control over me, he always had control, and he never lost it. I fight against it now. But I think he knows I want to hear from him. I can't go a day without his name coming across my mind. It's nothing I WANT, but something I can't help.
When I refer to everyone I mean family and friends. Anyone who knows my story of that relationship thinks I should be over him. I am over the want for him back, but not over him. it sucks. I just want out.
And no, I am American and so is he. I went to Spain for my freshman year in college, but I hated it and came home after a month. I think that I partially went to get away from the pain, and instead it just made me more lonely and made me face the pain more.
The whole not tell my parents thing comes down to, I don't want them to know I'm not perfect. I am their "perfect" child. I am an example. I get amazing grades and with guys I am "responsible". There is so much pressure for me to be perfect that I can't tell them how I lost my virginity at 15 (I didn't want to, it just happened). I can't tell them about the rape and the other things. I fear that they may be more upset for what happened and be mad at me, than anything that is over and done with. I just rather them think things were never that bad. Ignorance is bliss, and for this, it's fair that I let them remain in bliss.
My old work put a no-trespassing order against him, which basically meant as long as I worked there he was not allowed. He would still walk by on the sidewalks though. Stalking is hard to prove. It's usually after the fact that he tells me what he did, where he was etc that I know..but sometimes i could just feel him watching me or I would see him leaving a place I was at, or something. And I live across from a gas station and he had befriended the attendants, they would let him sit in their cars and watch my house. I don't worry now because he lives so far away, but it's if/when he comes back that I worry for my family. My dad knows I worry about that, but all we can do is wait.
Amaggiepie: Your story is like mine almost to a T. Thank you for sharing that, I know I'm not alone. My ex didn't go to jail, I finally just said enough is enough (not to mention he was cheating on me with anything that had legs). And my current boyfriend and I also are having our own problems, but he has shown me i don't need to be treated like .... to be happy. I also think I stayed with my ex out of habit and fear of being lonely. He knew I feared that and would tell me that nobody would love me like him, or ever want me or whatever. He would pick on my self consciousness and use it against me. Just, I want the feelings to stop. I want him to go away.
Oh, and PDM, we would change our home number but it would be a HUGE hassle and he doesn't call enough for that. Usually once a month or every couple weeks...and a lot of the time, nobody is home.
