I'm pretty sure I know what I want. I definitely want kids and a man who wants them as much as I do. I always have. And I want to be loved for who I am. Even the "bad" parts because every part of me makes me who I am. I believe everyone is perfect. I don't believe in character "flaws." I don't think there is such a thing. I'm a perfect me and no one else. I can't be anyone else or act any different and I refuse to do so to make someone happy.
Steve's said flat out he doesn't like how I treat him. And I've told him many times this has come with my change in morals and values. I've changed what I think a wife should be. I'm not bound by this Christian stereotype of faithful doting wife anymore. I'm my own person. I don't think I should treat my husband with respect just because he's my husband, he's gotta deserve it and if he screws up I'll let him know it. I'd expect him to do the same with me, not pussyfoot around things and be all gentle and passive. That's not how I want to live.
And he can't stand it. He calls it "railing on me, and tearing me down." And yeah, I understand the whole love languages thing, and men are from Mars thing... but Steve's Steve and I'm myself and it seems pretty clear that our love languages do not match up, nor can without changing who we are. And I like who I am, and do not like what he wants me to be.
And MW1, you two may have agreed to not see other people, but us when we discussed separation we decided we should see other people. It's what I wanted. He doesn't want it, but I want him to and I want to myself. We already laid down the ground rules that we would not want to know what the other person is doing with whoever their seeing. No details. One of the basis of our separation was believing that there's a better person out there for both of us. So seeing other people fits into that.
With that being said I still want him to do things I know he won't, and be who I know he can't be. And it's terrible. I should've seen that from the beginning and just not been with him. I've always wanted him to want kids as badly as I do, and always wanted him to be more aggressive than he is. But that's not him. He doesn't like children, never has, and he's always been passive. That's just who he is. And we keep fighting because I keep trying to push him to be who I want him to be, and he does the same with me.
It's a train wreck, to be honest.
I would put all this madness on hold for my studies, but that would be contrary to my value system. What is a career and money and education without love? Without passion? It's useless to me. And not how I want to live my life. I'm an impulsive one, and I enjoy living like that. So I don't think I can push these two men aside for my studies, even though it would help me focus. I would just be unhappy and unhappiness is not condusive to learning.
