First and foremost, I want to be happy. I say this and I feel like it makes me look selfish... but then I think back on my life and I don't ever see me trying to make me happy. When I was a child I worked so hard to make my parents happy and my friends happy - then my world came crashing down and I lost all my friends because I was relying on them too much - I was severely depressed, not taking care of myself via eating disorders and cutting, drinking to the point of blacking out and almost running away because I didn't see how else I could have escaped my life. Then I met David and I was happy for a while.

I dated David all through college - long distance, so part of me thinks I had a pretty good college experience because I was able to grow, but then I look back and I see how other people came out of college - with friends. The only person I came out of college with was David. It got to the point in college with David where I wanted to make him happy and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. I changed the way I looked, did things for him because he enjoyed them... not me enjoying them. So here I was, after my entire childhood of making my parents happy and I was again trying to please someone else instead of myself.

And this always wanting to please someone else despite it not making me happy has continued - until about the last year when I started doing things that made me happy - it just so happens that these little things that made me happy didn't make my husband happy and he didn't want to be around me when I did these things. These things were small too - like enjoying a couple of tv shows, and a lot of these tv shows we started watching together but then he decided he didn't like them anymore and he told me I could go into another room to watch them. In addition to this small interest, I decided it was time for me to work on making and maintaining friendships - this included seeking counseling, trying to open myself up to people, etc. and it's working some. Most of my friends have come through my work and I have maintained those friendships even after I got let go from my job.

I have dealt with many issues over the past couple of years, including difficulties with my parents, falling off the bandwagon with my eating disorder, drinking, etc. I have been going to counseling and medicating as necessary (not self medicating - seeing someone who determined what medicines would be best for me to take). With this counseling I now think I have a pretty good grasp on my relationship with my parents, I am back on the bandwagon re: my eating disorder (though with that it's always going to be a constant struggle), and I have gotten a handle on my drinking (for the most part - I still go back to it at times and am working to move on from this - trying to find other ways to deal with the stresses of life, marriage, work, etc.).

With all of the above going on, I thought my relationship with my husband was ok - but it wasn't. David didn't like the fact that I talked to a counselor instead of him, he didn't like the fact that I wanted to watch TV shows that he didn't like, he didn't like the fact that I wanted to make friends outside of our marriage - he didn't understand why I wasn't happy just having him as a friend and spending all my time with him. I told him I needed other people - sure I have my family and him, but I needed and wanted to develop friendships with people. And why did I want this after being with him for so long? Why did I not speak up about it before? I have always wanted it but I honestly don't know why I never spoke up about it before.

I'm not sure if I want the marriage to work. Part of me wants to make it work because I see how much pain it is causing David and I love him and hate to see him in pain. But then, there I go again staying with something because I want to make them happy. Don't get me wrong - David and I have been talking about this every night now since I got back from my work trip - but I don't feel any different... I don't feel like it's going to work. But it's still early, and we've just started this process.

Re: drinking with the 15 days I loved. Not much - Beer and wine here or there, but I loved it because not only was the location amazing, but I really fell in love with my job in addition to the opportunities that the job could offer me. I'm extremely excited about where the job can take me and I want to travel. I told my husband I hoped I could go back because I loved it that much - this did NOT go over well. It also did not go over well when I told him I could travel more than 30% (to maybe 40, so not much more) - which to me is not bad especially since with my prior job I was on the road 100% of the time - every week for over a year - and it wasn't around the world it was just up the coast. With this job I could go all over the world - South America, Europe, Africa, and the list goes on.

Re: "Did you ever love you husband and why? Do you have the courage and strength to stand by him while he sorts out his life?" : I did love him - I do care for him. I want him to be happy. I have encouraged him to find a new job - this has been 3 years in the making. I have encouraged him to get out and do things that make him happy, but all he chooses to do is sit on the sofa, watch tv and play on the computer. He has thankfully found a new job - as of yesterday he accepted it - and I'm very happy for him. He tells me that he's going to get out and do things that make him happy - but he only says that now I think because of everything that has been going on.

Re: "Do you want kids, ever. Does he want kids." : I do want kids. He wants kids. He's wanted kids for a while, but I've been holding back because I wasn't where I wanted to be career-wise. And now that I've got this new job - we were talking about having kids... but I think I've changed my mind and I'd like to push it back a while. This does not make him happy - which I can understand. He says he's almost 30 and wants kids now before he gets too old. I don't see how 30 is old.

I see my responses to the above questions and I think it makes me look like a horrible person. Like a selfish person who has changed and who is hurting someone so badly. I used to see a future with David and I - I used to see us growing old together - but now I dont. I don't know what to do - I want him to be happy and I can't stand seeing him upset. I hope this new job will help him be happy. I feel horrible for what I might be causing.