So I don't think when I talked to David last weekend about wanting to do a trial separation that it really sunk in to David and to me (!!). The more I thought about it this week and the angrier I got whenever David was around, even though he'd been putting in an effort to "disappear" from the house so I would have time to think about things - the second he would get home I would immediately start snapping at him and I was angry and unhappy. He kept asking me why I was getting angry at him all the time because he wanted to know what he was doing to cause my anger so he could fix it - I told him I didn't know... finally yesterday I figured it out. I was angry just because he was there and because I wanted to be alone. I told him that I needed to get an apartment to start the trial separation. He asked me how long - I told him I didn't know - so now the challenge is going to be finding a place with a short term lease option available. I've looked into hiring a moving crew to help me move out over a weekend after I have found an apartment.

All this makes me nervous and scared, which I'm sure is normal because this is a life-changing thing that I'm going through. I know this is probably a repeat of what I've said before, but as more time passes I start thinking about things, and wondering if I'm making the right decision, etc.

I talked very frankly with David last night. He asked me if I just didn't want to be married or if I didn't want to be married to him. I told him I just didn't want to be married... and I wasn't sure if I ever would want to be again. I told him that this has been hard on me because I keep reverting back to not wanting to hurt him and I forget about my feelings and making the best decision for me - that's something I constantly have to keep telling myself... to remember me. The crazy thing is that David knows I've been doing this too - and he's playing into it, which is very frustrating for me and all the more reason I need the trial separation.

Just wanted to let you all know where things stand as I'm beginning to see this is no simple decision that can be made over the course of a couple of weeks. It's now been over a month.... and I still feel like some things are up in the air.