It seems pretty clear that you're a very selfless person. Especially in the way that through all of this, you still want to give your husband a special day for his birthday. You're an intelligent person, and a selfless one, and seem to be really trying to go through all the options that are available. I think you should keep that in mind when the feelings of guilt come around! It helps to be retrospective. Although you may not have a tape of previous sessions, like BLR said, but you do have the posts here! I know they help me when I have questions about my movement towards Atheism. I would go back and read them sometimes, it might help you too, to see the broad spectrum of thoughts you've had.
