So - I had my first individual session with the marriage counselor yesterday - we talked about various things, ranging from the details of my apartment (which I have and have moved some things into, just no furniture yet - that will have to come maybe this weekend or the following - don't know yet as this weekend is my little sisters bachelorette party and next weekend is her wedding) to the details of how the trial separation would work (dating vs. not dating him, others, etc.) to my parents relationship and my husband's parents relationship to what I thought were some strengths of my marriage to my husband. This last question threw me for a whirl because she wanted a response other than "we're best friends." I could barely answer it - the only things I said were we got along well with one anothers family members. I guess that's a strength? but I don't know what other types of strengths there can be in a marriage.... and I've been thinking about it, but I just don't know and nothing really comes to mind.

Let's see what else we talked about - we talked about how long I had the apartment for - I told her I got a 6 month lease with the mind-set that one way or the other it's a good investment because if my husband and I do end up staying together than the 6 months of rent I'm paying were worth it to save the marriage, and if we don't stay together than the 6 months of rent were worth it to help me figure out what will make me happiest in the long run.

My husband also had his first individual session yesterday - the details of which he did not spare me - he told me everything. He said he talked about me most of the time - how probably the reason I'm so career oriented is because I get a sense of pleasure in knowing that I'm doing a good job and succeeding at work - something I never really got much of from my parents when I was growing up. They also talked about my parents relationship and how vocal they are vs. his parents relationship and how they rarely fight and yell at his household. Hearing this, although it's true, irritates me because I feel like he's bashing my family in a way. Could just be the "you can't talk bad about my family unless I start talking bad about them, then you can join in" thing.... She apparently asked my husband if he would take me back after the trial separation - to which he said yes, but he'd be wary because he'd be concerned that I was just coming back to him as a friend instead of as someone who truly was in love with him... and even though that might be what he wants - for me to be with him - he knows it would be unfair to me because I wouldn't be happy. He talked about how he wouldn't want to be friends with me if we ended up getting separated/divorced. He said they would discuss the terms of the trial separation next week when we meet up with her again as a couple. and he just went on and on about what they talked about. Maybe he felt better talking about it to me - I don't know. All I know is when I got to a therapist, be it for marriage or just my other therapist for myself, I don't really feel the need or desire to talk to him about it - because to me that's the purpose of going to them.

Anyway - I'm anxious about moving into the apartment. I want to do it now because I'm getting so angry with my husband over just him being there. The Marriage counselor said i'd probably feel really lonely - but when I think about that, it's what I want - I want to be alone - with just myself and no one else (besides my family) to worry about and take care of.