Ok, now some questions that came into my head as I was reading this. I am not trying to pressure you, just sort things out a little. You certainly don't have to answer these on the forum of course
But they might be worth thinking about. I am guessing, though, that some of it might be painful and might be worth considering with your counsellor.
Why did you feel, even a a child, that you had to be the one who made people happy?
What caused your world to crash?
How did you come to lose your friends at such a young age?
Did you enjoy college ~ without friends & without your boyfriend?
How old were you when the drinking, cutting, etc, began?
How did your family react?
Did you tell your husband about it?
How did your husband react?
Has all this affected the way that you behave, and have behaved, towards your husband, do you think?
Why did the photos cause you problems?
I get the impression that your husband has been your 'rock', but at a price. You seem to feel that you have to please him, just for being there for you. But marriage is a two-way thing. He must have got something out of it too. You want him to be happy, but does he want you to be happy?
You were both very young to marry, yet he is satisfied with his lot ~ even if it means hating his job and just sitting on the sofa, watching TV.
You have always appeared to be content with this too. But it was an appearance, only. You were not content, but you wanted to do and say whatever made him happy ~ including agreeing to have children.
Long term, living this lie has made neither of you happy, because you were becoming frustrated and he has now discovered this.
Losing your job and finding this amazing new one has given you what you always wanted ~ people, fun, adventure, etc, and all while you are still young enough to enjoy it.
It seems that he has never wanted adventure. He wanted a good job, a home, a TV, a wife and kids. He thought that he had that, so he is probably in shock.
But you, too, thought that life was going to just carry on as it had done ~ home, husband and babies.
However, the new job has shown you a new life. And it has happened just as counselling has helped you to discover the real you ~ and to make new friends and sort things out with your family. You are probably in shock yourself!
You feel confused, but your husband must feel confused as well. He has just seen his life change in front of him. His loving wife isn't sure that she loves him; his soon-to-be-born babies have been put on hold.
But has he contributed to the gulf between you?
He didn't want to watch TV with you.
He didn't want to deal with the body pillow problem.
He didn't want to go out with you.
He knows that you love your new job, but he hasn't supported you in it.
You are working away less than before, yet he still isn't happy about it.
Everyone needs friends, but he doesn't seem to like you having friends.
Is he really 'in love' with you, in a way that you aren't with him?
After 11 years of marriage, very few couples are 'in love' in the same way that they were when they were younger. The love develops and evolves.
Until recently, you thought that you would have babies soon and grow old together. That doesn't sound like someone who has totally and actively fallen
out of love.
As you say, you have both been through rough times lately. You may well have grown apart. But this happens to many people ~ even in the happiest of marriages. Sometimes you just need to re-assess the relationship. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame him. You are bound to change and grow as time goes by.
Thirty is not too old to have children ~ though I was told that it was, when I had my first at that age.
If you have your adventures now, you will be happier to settle down in a little while.
You will be home more than you were before, so there will be time to get to know each other again.
And depression and medication can definitely affect relationships ~ sometimes for the better and sometimes not.
You may be able to fall in love again and start afresh, or it might be time to make the break. Be sure ~ or as sure as you can be. Talk it over. Give it every chance. Talk to your counsellor. See how it goes.
Good luck
