Yes I remember reading one of your previous posts and I felt as though I could possibly relate with you the best as it sounds as though you and I are rather similar (or I am where you were :)).
I had never thought about the picking up guilt just laying around for the taking - I might do that - but I feel like what I really do is try to carry the burden of pain for individuals in my family. I am always the person people call, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but when you start to hear everyone else's problems and you never unload your own it's pretty easy to feel bogged down. And the reason I don't unload my own problems is because then I worry about them feeling bad and having to be involved with and deal with my issues - when they're mine and I should be the one responsible for working through them and figuring them out. Take for example, what's going on with me and my husband. I have told my parents and both my mother and my father were calling me up to find out how I was doing at least a couple of times a day, in addition to telling me what I should be thinking about and how they've gone through all that before, blah blah blah blah blah. And then I hear from my mother how stressed out she is about everything and I've added to that stress - so this ends up making me feel bad for even telling her. She also told my younger sister, who in turn asked me about David and I. I told her a cursory overview of where things stood (note this discussion with my little sister was approximately 3 weeks ago). We got together last weekend for some little girl time and I told her some more details - what does she start doing? She starts to cry and starts freaking out about my husband being in the wedding (because she had asked him to be an usher) - so I immediately switch from trying to find someone to bond with to someone trying to ease the crying bride - focus switches to her and to myself I say, as it should be - I don't want to wreck her wedding - I told her not to worry that we would be there and that we were never thinking of not going, etc. etc. and that everything would be fine for the wedding. That was the last time we talked about it - we then went on to discuss her house, what she wants to buy the bridesmaids, what's on her registry and how she needs to add more, blah blah blah again. I'll just keep quiet and listen and provide feedback where she desires it. ugh.
I am dealing with things with my husband right now (trial separation, me having an apartment and trying to figure out how the heck that's going to work, me trying to tell David that it's not that I don't want to have kids with him or that I don't want to be married to him, it's just that I don't know if and when I want kids and if and when I want to be married (again), etc.), my grandmother being in Stage 4 cancer (although with her new medicines she is sounding much better!!! so that's a positive), my siblings and parents calling me and crying to me about my grandmother (among other things), my parents and their suffering business given the tough economic times and how they don't know if they're going to make it through and what are they going to do if they don't, my little sister and her wedding planning, my older sister and her not getting along with my siblings and parents - it's just a lot to deal with. I've been trying to deal with it the best I could - I've been working out at the gym an hour and a half to two hours a day, been staying busy at work and at home (i.e. cooking meals, doing laundry, working on work at home, etc.) - but I feel at times like I'm starting to break down - crying because there's no other way my body knows to deal with things as well as boxing myself off from people. I think this breaking down is normal - it's just getting very difficult to remember what should be on the forefront of my mind - that being to figure out what's going on with my marriage and myself!! Oh, and my grandmother and my little sisters wedding.......
