Last time I wrote - I had just told my older sister and her reaction was sub-par. It has now been a little over a week - since then I have told my younger brother and his support (i.e. just being there for me if I need to talk) has been overwhelmingly wonderful. I have also told a friend here at work - that now brings the tally of people outside the family to two and both have been extremely supportive - helping to keep me busy, etc. They are the ones that actually know more about the situation than my family (because I have told them I have moved out, whereas, I'm holding this information from my family because they have just been told about my situation - do'nt want to spring it all on them at once because I know they won't be able to handle it). Anyway - with the older sister, I saw her again this past weekend and she responded quite differently to me- she told me she was wrong for reacting the way she did and that if she were in my shoes and I reacted to her the way she had reacted to me, it would have been very hurtful and hard. It was nice for her to recognize that and to apologize to me.

The parents are asking questions again about the husband and I - took him with me to my grandparents wedding anniversary celebration this weekend (which is where I saw my older sister again). Mom seems to think things are getting better, but then again she also says I'm looking different - wearing different clothes, etc. I could just be reading into this, but don't think I am when she told me that I needed to dress more like her next time we got together with the family - more preppy. I told her that I liked the way I dressed and that I wasn't going to change - ugh this is just one more thing I've got to forget about and not worry myself over. Can't stand it - she was critiquing everything I was wearing - simple little halter dress with black vest thing, cute fashion jewelry and flip flops. Apparently too risque for a lunch with the family and relatives. Whatever - I talked to the husband about that and he said he thought I looked fine and my dressing wasn't out of the norm for me - I think my mother is all concerned that I'm toning up and showing more care about the way I look - to her "I'm vulnerable and a pretty woman and there are a lot of shady guys out there" now why she would have to worry about me getting picked up at a family outing, I'm not quite sure, but oh well. This is all besides the point.

Ride to and from the family outing (approximately 5.5 hours in the car) with the husband was alright. It was afterwards that got awkward - him wanting to be intimate, me not feeling comfortable with it; him wanting to know exactly where I stand (i.e. 50/50 chance of staying with him, 60/40, etc. etc.), me not knowing other than just a 50/50 right now as it's only really been 3 weeks of me working things out and really putting the pedal to the metal with that; him asking questions on how I feel, me giving him responses and then seeing his reaction to those respones, then me feeling horrible about making him feel bad. I don't know if it's best for me to just cut all communication from him or what - I don't know if I should just accept the fact that he's a good guy, a hard worker, would be a good parent, has a good family, and the fact that he loves me and just say screw it - you're giving up too much - let me push these feelings away, let me just bite my tongue and live with what I chose to do 6 years ago.

I'm exhausted - I need a weekend where I have no family involvement and I can take that time to think and sort through things. Also thinking that I shouldn't do a date with the husband this upcoming weekend because so far our dates have lasted either an entire day or an entire day and a half and I feel like that sucks out a large chunk of the time that I really should be using to figure things out....