Talked to the psychologist yesterday - she said it sounded as though I had pretty much gone through all the thoughts on my mind regarding my husband and I. I asked her for a marriage counselor and she indicated to me that she didn't think that I needed one - it appeared as though I was ready to take the next step - legal separation. I got the number for a marriage counselor any way because my husband wants us to go to one - and I believe it might help me to better shed some light on the situation to my husband. We have our first appointment in just under two weeks.

I have been trying to spend some time apart from my husband so I can sort through some things in my mind - so yesterday after work I went directly to the gym, then from there to my parents house for dinner. I got back from my parents house at around 11PM only to start fighting with my husband yet again. This fight eventually turned into a discussion on the splitting of assets if a separation and divorce were to ultimately come to fruition. This discussion was very calm and logical: re who gets the house, furniture, rugs, boat, dog, etc. At the end of the conversation things switched to another gear - we talked about how we were best friends and how difficult this was going to be on the both of us and we both started crying. I was going to sleep separately from my husband, but he came downstairs and asked me to come up and sleep in bed with him as a friend, simply because he knew the days were limited and he wanted to get in as many as he could. Just writing this has made me start to cry.

Today has been a very different day. We have talked a couple of times, but only has friends would talk. Not once have the words "I love you" passed through either of our mouths. David finally told me that he felt sorry for me because of what I was going through - not only with how things are between us - because he knows I feel lower than low about what is going on between us, but also with what I'm dealing with regarding my dying grandmother, my little sister getting married, my parents breaking down, etc. This caught me by surprise.

Now I have new thoughts crossing through my head - I'm scared. If what I think will happen happens, this will be the first time I have ever been on my own - and I don't know how to be alone. I will have to get an apartment (even though my parents tell me I can come and live with them - I don't think that's the best idea and I will need to figure things out for myself), I will have nothing... I will have to start over.

I can't stop crying. Why am I crying??? Through all of this, this is the first time I've cried when I'm writing/thinking about this (excluding the cry last night - but that was the start of it). Is it truly sinking in that the past 11 years of my life with David will only be a memory, including all the good and bad times we've shared? How could it have gotten to this point - I can't believe it got to this point.

All this and my engagement band was finally fixed yesterday - David showed me how they'd fixed it and polished it - it looked just like the day I first set eyes on it - when David proposed. The only difference this time is that it stayed in the box.... and there were no tears of joy, or kissing or hugging.

Last edited by MW1; 03/24/10 08:56 PM.